Echoes of a Dream

Oh shoot - it's my turn now ..............

Thanks so much for your lovely comments and emails to my last post. I was initially hesitant about getting too personal here on my blog and I don't know about you but I love hearing about people's lives. I know these are craft blogs but I like a bit of background about a person and oftentimes you get to realise that we've all had similar experiences which is strangely comforting.

So, where shall I start then? Looking at me now it's hard to believe that I had a very traditional Indian upbringing (my friends tease me about being so British). My parents and extended family spoke no English whatsoever and I vividly remember my first day at school because I couldn't communicate with anyone. My childhood was probably pretty exotic compared to most what with the delicious food we ate, the Indian weddings we went to, the clothes we wore, the festivals we celebrated but we weren't terribly well off and we never went on holiday. In fact we didn't get birthday presents either and I only got christmas presents from Dad's factory. I still remember my last present which was a compendium of games before my twelfth birthday when they deemed I was too old to get presents anymore. I was heartbroken.

In 1971 my little brother was born and my big sister had an arranged marriage. I took over looking after the baby when I was just ten. I also looked after my sisters as my parents worked odd hours. Years later I resented losing my childhood and having all that responsibility.

Life was fine until I reached puberty because the gates came down with a crash - now there were a hundred rules. You can't talk to boys, or go out with them, can't shave your legs, cut your hair, pluck your eyebrows, wear skirts outside school, go out socially and much more. And of course I just became angry at all this injustice. I found that by day (at school) I was English and at night I was Indian and it was sooo difficult. I became more and more angry as I got older and most of my teens were spent arguing with my parents, reading Jackie and dreaming of another life. Look how miserable I look in the next pic:

I did well at school and got eleven O levels but I lost the plot thereafter. Once in the sixth form I asked my Mum if I could go to parties but she said No (Indian girls didn't do that). So I decided that I would just do it all behind her back. I even had a boyfriend in the upper sixth in 'secret'. Sadly, I could not wait to leave home and I think I was depressed during those years. I flunked my A levels and just scraped into Poly and spent the first year doing all those things that I couldn't do before. Then I met Jim and his parents became surrogate parents to me and I think I would have gone off the rails if it hadn't been for them. My parents never knew about him even when we went to Japan together. I seem to have spent most of my life in secret from them.

Then in 1987 it was time to face the music and tell them that I did not ever want an arranged marriage. My parents were shocked, upset, tried emotional blackmail but then surprisingly gave up. Then my sister married a Kiwi and I decided to go for it too and told them about Tom. They were very disappointed but came to the wedding and have been amazing ever since. Now they think Tom is the bees knees and they love their grandchildren.

But there is a huge amount of sadness too. My Dad came here to improve his life and he ended up losing his family. Indians live for their families - especially that generation. My Mum expected us to marry and live in the same town or nearby. She would have looked after our children and it would have given her a new lease of life. Instead my parents feel worthless and lonely. They live in an Indian community where everyone has their extended family around them so it's in their faces all the time.

They seem to have a huge expectations of us like the arranged marriage thing - we were indoctrinated with the 'we brought you up, so you do this for us' line. It took a huge amount of strength to live our lives as we wanted to and we still feel guilty to this day. Indians also expect their family to look after them in their old age especially the oldest son but in our family he's buggered off to Canada.

Which brings me to why we're all so fed up. We're sick to death of parenting our parents. Ever since I could read I've been filling in their forms, translating their letters, going to my little brother's parents evenings (how uncool was that aged seventeen). I even filled in my own grant form. Basically anything that needs to be done in English is done by us (mind you it's been useful when translating a bad school report!)  They still expect to be looked after - after all they looked after us! I used to hate this notion but it's just part of their culture really.

We also feel that we've let them down. By marrying an Indian I would have joined an extended family that would have included my parents in their circle. Somewhere along the line they would have been looked after and felt valued. But the three of us have married English families who were neving going to adopt them the Indian way. The two that did have arranged marriages live abroad.

I don't want you to think badly of them. I hated them when I was growing up but after therapy when I had post natal depression I realise that they were just doing their best for us. That's all. I'm over the anger, the blame, the wish for 'normal parents' whatever that is, the wish for a Mother that I could talk to about my life. I can appreciate that I'm who I am because of my upbringing. And they are both amazing people - they came to this country, worked their socks off and produced wonderful kids. Look how they've taken Tom and the children into their lives even when the community at large was frowning at us and them.

The problem is that they're extremely lonely and dwell on their illnesses far too much. When I'm there with the children they're different people - and bar moving in with them nothing's going to change. I feel bad that I can't make my parents happy by being around all the time and I'm just fed up of my Mum's constant moaning and lonliness. She's had a very tough life but I wish she wouldn't always tell me about it - it just makes me cry.

And this week I had enough of their dependency on all of us - physical and emotional. I spent most of my time telling her not to be so pathetic. In reality, I think I probably just need to drop the baggage and get practical about helping two old people.

-------------------------------------------------------

Once again I'm sorry if this is dis-jointed. It took me ages to write and I wrote far too much that I then had to cut out. Forgive me for repeating myself too. I don't have the energy to re-read this for the nth time so I'm just going to go for it and press Save!

My Dad's Story

I've just come back from my parent's and I think I have to off load a bit - well quite a bit actually because they drove me mad. Or rather my Mum did but they both did too because of their situation. My Dad just sat there being nearly eighty nine and dozed a lot. But no matter - I'm pissed off with both of them.

Where the heck shall I start and anyway do any of you want to hear it (after all this is supposed to be a craft blog)? I do have my sisters to talk to but I find that because we're all pissed off we keep each other in the same place so I need neutrality. Before I tell you what's up though you need to know something about the mater and pater. I did write my Mum's story here back in March last year so here's Dad's now (he's on the left in the next pic):

My Dad was born in 1919 in India, the eldest of eight or nine and they were self sufficient, peasant farmers who had no education for want of a better description! In 1929 his father mortgaged their land to buy a ticket to sail to America to try his fortune. Sounds like he was a bit of a simple man and when he eventually got to Calcutta he saw the sea and took fright and promptly headed home again. All very amusing until you consider that my father being the eldest son then spent most of his life trying to buy back the land so that the family wouldn't starve.

There are stories of Dad being a bandit in rural India, of stealing, of working his socks off, of landing in jail for six months. Dad's too old to ask about all this now but this is what I gleaned growing up. Mum says he was a selfish git who never should have married but he had an arranged marriage in 1952 - meeting my Mum for the first time on their wedding day. I think he used to drink and beat her and luckily for her he came to England in 1955 to earn some money.

Once here he made his way to the Midlands and for five years he lived in a room above a cafe. He used to tell stories about how there six beds and twelve men and they would rotate with the men on night shifts. It was very hard. He doesn't moan about the English but he says they weren't tolerated. Of his meagre wages he'd send most back to India to support the wider family and for the dreaded mortgage.

In 1960 my Mum came over with my older brother and over the next ten years another four children were added to the brood. My Dad had a very basic education in India and to this day he still can't speak English. He had very menial and physical jobs here and always worked with other Indians so never did manage to learn the language which always frustrated him. For twenty odd years he worked in an iron foundary shovelling tons of sand day in day out. So I can see why he was always angry and frustrated. He retired due to ill health (unsurprisingly) in the late seventies and from then on he refused to lift one finger as he felt he'd done his lot. So my Mum took cleaning jobs to make ends meet and always resented it.

None of us had a relationship with Dad. We were too scared of him. He was very strict, drank a lot at weekends, shouted even more. He and my Mum seemed to tolerate each other and sometimes we felt that they could neither live with each other nor without each other.

For about the last fifteen years he has mellowed and I have had lovely conversations with him in my limited Punjabi. Our children love him despite the fact that he can't say anything to them in English. He in turn loves them and Tom and four years ago we went to India with both of them which was very healing for me.

These days I do really sympathise with both of their plights. My poor father has had such a hard life of drudgery (there must be so many regrets there). He's worked his socks off for both families - his own and his paternal one and on top of that he's been stabbed in the back by his siblings when it's come to inheriting that very land that he bought back (sounds like great stuff for a film doesn't it). Like my Mum he's been through so much and I really do admire him in many ways.

Gosh I should stop now. I'm sorry I've gone on for soooooooo long but it's been very cathartic. Sadly, the floodgates opened as soon as I started typing! Next time I'm going to tell you a little bit about our upbringing which will explain why I/we feel as we do today ............ bear with me?

PS I have actually deleted bits here and there so forgive me if the sentences don't flow.

Happy Birthday Raj

Today is Raj's eighth birthday and for him it's been a long time coming. Having an older brother means that he has grown up very quickly and of course he wants to be just like Rohan and the same age too.

Rather annoyingly for Rohan he has the same interests but he is a very different character. All my children are bright and bubbly but Raj seems to have taken it one stage further and is a very charismatic little fellow. Ever since he moved here he has charmed everyone with his smile and friendliness. I've been into shops and they greet him, people who walk past the gate stop to say hello to him and everyone in the school knows him. In fact when he started Kindy the teacher had to ask the older children (mostly sixteen year old boys) to stop coming over to say hello to him because it wasn't fair on the other children. Wherever we go everyone warms to him - it's amazing.

So I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised as I waited outside his classroom yesterday and about four girls came out sobbing. "What's up with them" I asked Raj. He looked embarrassed and shrugged his shoulders. "They're crying cos Raj is leaving" said another boy with a disdainful look on his face. In fact Raj looked pretty disdainful too cos he doesn't like girls these days especially soppy ones. It is rather funny that he's so popular because I'm sure he doesn't bother with any of the girls in class. I have heard that he makes 'em laugh though. We gave a classmate of Amber's a lift home later and he said "I bet Raj must love it, all those girls crying over him". I guess at fifteen he was rather envious!

This afternoon he had his birthday/leaving party and although I don't usually invite more than about five children we made and exception as he was leaving (and ended up with twelve). It was fun during the games but mayhem during lunch. We just about managed to squeeze them all around the table:

They then all disappeared around the village for a treasure hunt with Tom trailing behind which gave Amber and I time to clear the mess. Then it was back for birthday cake:

and opening of presents and it was all over:

I must say a big Thank You to Ambi who made two birthday cakes, two pizzas and all the food. To Rohan and Abbi as well who did the games. Despite having all that help I was still exhausted! I tell you what made my day though (apart from Raj having a thoroughly good party) was the look on the little girls face as she won the prize in Pass the Parcel. It was one of my lambs and the look of surprise on her face and then the beaming smile really touched all of us. "I nearly cried when I saw her face" said Amber.

Tonight our young friend Abbi is staying the night - she came back specially from Uni to see us off. The children are planning more treats (groan) and then tomorrow night it's our leaving party at 6 o'clock. Wish you could come .......................

----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Raj, I will try and prize your present off Dad soon:

The big news

I do finally have some news for you but firstly I have to tell you that IT SNOWED. Yes, it really snowed last night - at long last. You need to know that we hardly ever get snow in this neck of the woods to understand how excited we were.

It had been raining all day and then about four o'clock it turned into sleet and then snow. The boys got the sledges out despite the darkness and managed a couple slides down the hill and Tom went out early to get Amber who had gone to the pictures. For some reason he took a spade with him which was just as well as he had to grit a few lanes as he went along. He ended up leaving his car at the top of the hill because it just wouldn't get down. They both walked in hours later with Amber looking completely bedraggled. At fourteen she wasn't exactly dressed for the weather as you can imagine.

By seven it had turned back to rain and just as I was ladling out lasagna the power went out. So all seven of us ate in the dark. Luckily the Aga is on oil so Amber made some toffee popcorn and biscuits and we sat in front of the wood burner all evening eating and playing silly games. It was such fun and all the more so because we had guests. I think the power came back on around 2am.

This morning there was more sledging as there'd been a frost in the night and Rohan even managed to make a snowman:

Now we'll be content for a while I think having had our fill of snow.

To get back to more important matters then, our big news is that we are moving. Moving to the southeast as Tom has been offered a job down there. Back in November he was called by a head hunter and told about this particular job and although he loves being a journalist on a national newspaper he hates being away from home every week. Also papers don't pay that well and the benefits are rubbish. So he decided to go for it and to see what happened. It was such a long process and he met about four or five people right up to the Chairman. We were given the impression that he was the favourite (and maybe only) candidate so we had a long long talk last month about it. I was dying to mention it here but thought that Amber might read one of your comments by chance. I didn't want to tell the children until it was definite. Then finally on Thursday night Tom got the offer and we knew it was on.

As you can imagine it's been a bit stressful thinking that you're probably going but not really sure. We found it hard to concentrate on doing up the stable so in the end we didn't do it as we had planned (the mezzanine floor, electrics etc) leaving that up to the next people. As you know poor Tom did a heck of a lot of cleaning over Christmas as he just felt he was in limbo. Also we were keeping it from the children and friends and that was hard.

Well, I told the children, the school, friends and some neighbours yesterday and everyone has been so shocked. The boys cryed as did our young friend who's now at Uni. Lots of people at school are sad too. I'm really touched that everyone's going to miss us.

As I keep saying to everyone this is just the beginning of another chapter in our lives. It means that Tom will be at home in the evenings, he'll have a proper pension and we'll have more money. It's really sad that we're leaving here especially after all the work we've done on the place. I didn't even get to use the stable as my studio but never mind, it wasn't meant to be I guess. The hardest thing will be leaving my friends.

However, I'm really looking forward to being nearer London if I'm honest and to more opportunities for me. I've loved living in the Cotswolds but it's meant that I've been stuck at home most of the time and now it's time to think of me and see what's around for me to do. I'm not sure at this stage if we'll live in a small town or another village so I think we'll probably sell our house and go down there and rent for a while. I think we'll be about an hour away from the big smoke where we are.

I've got two estate agents coming over on Monday and Tuesday to value the house and this morning we had a phone call from parents at the school who came over to see the house. They loved it of course but need to see how much it'll be. At this rate we may well be moving in mid February. Oh my goodness ...........

I leave you with a picture of King Winter and his minder who seems to spend most of his time sleeping (and not minding):

Television advice

Oh my gosh you're all so wonderful you really are. Who better than you to share your ideas about television and respond to my plea for some advice. Tom and I both enjoyed getting your feedback and more than a few comments made us really think. Some made me laugh like Georgia's that started "You really are rebelling against the 21st century aren't you" and Kate's comment that said better the telly than boys at this age - that put the thing into perspective a bit.

Ali pointed me towards BBC iplayer and before you could say 'shall we get a telly then' Amber had downloaded it, and the Channel Four one and was watching something she felt she couldn't live without. I know just how she's going to be when and if we get a television. The thing that's coming up for me is that without a TV we can live without most of the programmes. OK we miss the odd good thing but even that you can catch up on the internet these days. I fear what will happen with a telly in the house is this: someone will look through the listings and exclaim that there's a programme about Kate Moss or some cricketer for example. Let's watch it to see what he/she's like and so we watch it and then there's something else about the history of the pop song etc etc. We will, or rather the children will want to watch stuff that they can live without. How often will I say NO you don't need to watch that?

Then on the other hand I don't want the children to feel weird amongst their friends and cousins and I do want them to have a shared cultural experience so I guess the jury is still out. Half of me doesn't want to have the TV and the other half thinks we ought to get one and restrict viewing. I suspect the latter is what we will do in the end. Meanwhile I'm going to buy us some more time while Amber catches up with iplayer.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and opinions with me I really appreciate it.

PS Hoping to have some news later today or in the morning. Damn, I've built this blooming thing up so much I hope you won't be disappointed.

Some advice needed

I thought I'd be sitting around moping this week (as I usually do after any school holiday) but this time my feet have hardly touched the ground.

I happened to be in the school office on Monday morning when they were trying to juggle everything around three teachers being off sick. Suddenly I heard this voice, which sounded very much like mine, saying "If you need any help just call me" and guess what? They did call later that day to ask me to help with two classes and I went into a mini panic. What do you do with waldorf children that can knit, crochet, sew and felt in their sleep? I had a few ideas but none that would only take an hour and a half so in the end I decided to make scotty dogs with them. I have a bunch of these on my dresser and everyone always admires them:

and the children made these for a friend last year:

So yesterday morning I spent two hours - yes, two hours cutting out dog shapes whilst listening to Radio Four:

and then it was a mad dash to school as I'd cut it rather fine. Needless to say that I came home at one and collapsed on the sofa before dashing off to Rohan's piano lesson at four and the supermarket in between. It was a mad day yesterday. I have another class this morning but I'm actually more prepared for this one thank goodness and tomorrow Raj is going to a friend's house so I have the WHOLE day to myself. Hooray. I'm going to sit on the sofa and read The Friday Night Knitting Club me thinks and eat lots of chocolate - I deserve it.

Did I tell you that the hot topic in our house at the moment is shall we get a telly? Now this has been broached before but only half heartedly by Amber but this year it's her and her brother. Rohan wants to watch sport and Doctor Who and hates going up to neighbour's to watch any big matches that are on. Amber wants to watch - well anything I guess but especially banal American crap as we jokingly call it. (It came from Amber's obsession with Friends and Tom said it was just banal A crap. I must tell you that having watched a few episodes he actually likes it which was a bit of a victory for Amber - still the description has stayed).

Anyway, back to angst over getting a telly. Tom and I actually love not having one. We wish we could see the odd programme but on the whole it's lovely without a goggle box in the sitting room. I guess the children are getting to an age where they want to watch things especially if their peers are (Amber is 14 and Rohan is nearly 12). We do watch videos and DVDs but that doesn't seem to be enough for them now (we don't have an aerial to watch telly if you're wondering).

So what do we do? We have children that want to watch telly and adults who don't really care.

I've been asking myself why telly has become an issue and as Amber keeps asking - what's our problem with it? If I'm honest I'm worried that the children will want to watch it all the time so it'll just become another battleground. I also love not having it there as a temptation for me. I'm wondering if I'll want to watch it too!  It's bad enough having the computer as a distraction. The other half of me says what's wrong with them watching telly - you did when you were young and look at you now (no wisecracks please!).

We've talked to the children about our feelings and of course they assure us that we can have boundaries and just say No if we don't want them to watch something. Maybe I should ask them to put that in writing. I think if we did get a set then everyone would be obsessed with it at first but maybe that would calm down after a while. But as I said if Amber does end up watching lots is that a problem? I'm sure she'll stop as soon as she gets a social life. I think I'm also worried about the quality of stuff that's on these days. Is any of it really worth watching?

It's funny but on Saturday we had tea with my surrogate parents as I call them (I went out with their son many, many years ago) and we were telling them that we might get a telly. They were really surprised and told us that they always told their friends about our family that had no telly and did and made such lovely things. You should have seen Amber's face - she's doesn't want to be that sort of family these days.

So what do you think? Any advice? Is telly really that bad in England? If you have teenagers is it possible to have boundaries and stick to them? Am I making too much of this (I have a real knack for making a drama into a crisis)? Do you wish you didn't have a telly? Will it end up dominating our lives? I'd love to hear your views on the subject ...........

PS No news yet I'm afraid and also Amber's dress was the princely sum of NINE pounds in case you're wondering.

Busy, busy

I love this week - the run up to Christmas. The children are usually off school and we have plenty to keep us busy although this year we have one very over-excited boy in the equation aswell. (Rohan wants me to point out that it isn't him). So interspersed with making and decorating biscuits:

both boys have been going up to the field to play football or rugby for a while. Which is good cos otherwise I might strangle someone. One afternoon was spent decorating the gingerbread house and another for an impromptu party with our young friend who's back from Uni. Amber spent ages making biscuits from the Martha Stewart website and I chucked together some popcorn. There were some cheese straws in the shape of stars and voila a tea party:

Afterwards we all retired to the sitting room to play Woodland Happy Families:

Sorry about the rubbish scan but I can't be bothered to keep arranging the cards on the scanner. Anyway, it's amazing what fun you can still have with Happy Families - both young and old.

Yesterday we made stars and snowflakes for the windows. I made some very simple stars which I'll show you how to make at the end of the post:

and Rohan decided to beat all to make a thirty two pointer:

I put these in the window yesterday and took some pics and was shocked at how dirty the windows were so guess what I did this morning? Of course, I re-took the photos so that you now see the stars on my clean windows. If you see any specks of dirt please don't tell me as that's how they're staying now.

I decided to tackle the local shops at 8.30 this morning which was just as well as the place was heaving an hour later. I picked up the ham which was a lot bigger than I thought it would be. It weighs about 19lbs! and is in the oven right now. I also got five loaves of bread for the freezer and some cheese before our posh deli gets really busy over the weekend. I still have to do a HUGE shop at Waitrose which I'm putting off and off. I'm tempted to leave it till Sunday morning and go with sister who arrives the night before. It will be effortless then but I'm not sure how she'll feel about it.

This afternoon the children baked biscuits and took them around to a few older friends in the village:

whilst Tom tidied the stable and got a few bits of furniture into it. The builders finished this morning and here it is in all it's glory. Well, here's before incase you've forgotten:

and here's now:

and a side view a fews days ago:

It looks amazing inside and I can't wait to use it.

Before I go here's a quickie on how to make the stars. I used kite paper which I cut into eight pieces 4"X3". Fold in the middle long ways and unfold again. Then turn each corner over to the central line like so:

and turn the top corners over to the central line too. So that you get this shape:

Turn over and glue each piece to another overlapping like so:

and there you have it. This is the very basic version of the star and you can go on and on folding in different ways and cutting different shapes likes squares. I only managed to vary it a little with this yellow sixteen pointer before I ran out of steam:

Supper is beckoning and the children are desperate for me to wrap some presents to put under the tree. They want to spend hours feeling them and guessing what they are they say. Hope I have the energy for 'It's A Wonderful Life' tonight. I want the older two to see it this year and I'm not sure the cousins who arrive tomorrow will want to see it. So tonight it will have to be .........

Some half term fun

Yuk, what a way to end half term. It is literally bucketing outside plus of course it's cold and grey too. But never mind we've all had a great week and seem to be happily occupied at the moment. Amber is upstairs doing her homework - having left it till now of course:

The boys spent the morning making London out of lego:

that's canary wharf on the left and Big Ben on the right I believe:

then they got bored and decided to decorate my 'to do' list for today. Why do boys get so much pleasure out of the word poo!

and now they've decamped to the (overcrowded) shed to do some woodwork. Tom meanwhile, is trying to finish the porch by putting up some skirting board and I've just baked some soda bread for lunch (recipe coming up if you want to make some yourself):

All is quiet for a while. What bliss. And the house is clean too which helps with the blissful feeling. Gosh you should have seen how dirty this place was when we got back from London. Months of no proper dusting and building work going on had made the place look worse than a pigsty. OK at first glance it was fine but if you got anything off a shelf it left a lovely dust print behind. The floor was all gritty when you walked without slippers and reaching for a bottle of wine meant you had to bring it out with some cobwebs sticking to your hand. Gruesome.

So, on Friday morning I donned my scruffy clothes, stuck my i-pod in Amber's dock and went for it. Everything came off the shelves, they were wiped down and then I washed everything before it went back. I must admit I toyed with the idea of just giving things a quick wipe but even I, the Queen of slap-dash knew that those darned things really needed a good wash. Oh well the music kept me going. After a quick hoover and mop of the floor the place was sparkling - and I was a happy bunny. The sitting room got a similar treatment as did the bathroom the next day. Tom went around with the hoover and the place is clean enough to invite some friends over now. So come and visit folks. 

Yesterday also saw us making our annual batch of autumn chutney:

This is the one chutney that everyone in the family really loves and we get through it so quickly. The recipe is here if you want to try it. This year it's come out a bit gooey because the pears were a bit on the ripe side but it still tastes nice:

As I said we've had such a great week. It was so nice being at my sister's. We didn't do much - the children played, we went to her local library which being in greater London is fantastic compared with our country town one (I got about a dozen craft and interiors books), we sat and chatted, ate too much as usual. We did manage to get into London on the Wednesday with great plans but you try getting out of the house with six children who went to bed too late the night before.

By the time we got into London it was 11 o'clock. First off it was a quick visit to Tom's office which we'd never seen before. Then my lot clamoured for Japanese and we went to the Japan Centre on Picadilly which does the best, reasonably priced food I know of. By the time we'd stuffed out faces on Miso Ramen it was 1. So then we split up and I took the two girls to Oxford Street and then down to the Bead Shop in Covent Garden (quick stop at Cath Kidston of course) and by half three I was cream crackered I'm afraid. I managed to get to Patisserie Valerie on Old Compton Street for a coffee but home was beckoning after that. I didn't have the energy to go to the V&A sad to say.

I can't believe that I used to live, work and play in this city. Now I can't manage five hours. Mind you it was blooming busy being half term. Oh well. Maybe we'll try and get back there before the exhibition ends in January.

Well, I'm off to have some lunch - here's the recipe for Soda Bread if you want to make some:

• 8 oz wholemeal strong flour (I sometimes use spelt)
• 2oz strong white flour
• 2oz medium oatmeal
• 1/2 tsp each of bicarbonate of soda, cream of tartar and sugar
• 1oz butter
• 1 small egg
• 1 carton of buttermilk - this is the one I use

Mix all the dry ingredients together and rub in the butter. Add the egg and about half a pint of buttermilk. Mix and then bring together the sticky mass and put it on a baking tray in a round. Score the top into quarters and bake at Gas mark 6, 200C, 400F for thirty minutes. It's scrummy with cheese and chutney and with jam too.

Happy Birthday dear Amber

Oh my, was this really fourteen years ago (give or take a few days)? Look at my little bonny first born. How did she grow so quickly. Only yesterday she was 21 months old and we were in Dorset:

Then she was three and had a baby brother to play with:

and five before we knew it. She knew that she was a princess though:

almost seven and another baby brother:

and then pretty soon she was nine and had moved to the countryside where we are today.

And today she's 14 and I'm wondering where those years went and why they went so quickly.

We had a lovely breakfast this morning with Tom who had taken the day off as he is away in Paris this weekend. Take a look at some of Amber's lovely presents.

This is from Raj (with a little help from Daddy) - it's a CD case made from old floorboards and finished off with walnut oil:

a padded pinboard made by Rohan (with a little help from Mummy):

here's a close-up because I just love the fabric and the pins we used:

matching doorstop made by moi:

and while I was at it a pencil roll too:

the inside of which:

Ofcourse, she's got lots of other bits and bobs too - her main present being an i-pod dock with speakers. I also got her some books on behalf of my parents - Cold Comfort Farm and Love In A Cold Climate and some Friends videos to add to her collection. I think you could safely say that she's got a bit of everything really. So it just leaves me to say Happy Birthday to my dear daughter. I know we have our little ups and downs Amby but I do love you so very much.

Sorry for the hasty post but Tom and I spent a lovely, but rather long morning going around salvage yards leaving me with about an hour to make the birthday cake (which is in the oven at the moment). So I'd better dash .....................

PS there is a tutorial on how to make the pinboard on my sidebar.

A bit of this and that

Firstly I really do want to thank ALL of you wonderful people that left comments and sent e-mails about my last post. I know I'm not the only one that feels out of kilter at the moment and that you all agree that being a Mum is hard. Juggling all those things, trying to maintain some sort of sanity, getting time to yourself and with your partner is hard. I'm sure we could each write an essay on the subject - something like 'Being a stay-at-home Mum can lead to losing self confidence - Discuss'. The very mention of that word discuss propells me straight back to the classroom but don't worry I'm not going to write an essay. I don't think I ever could these days.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking as you know and I've decided that I'm not going to stop blogging because I do love it. I think that I'm just going to slow down a bit at the moment because it's not a major thing in my life right now. I still have builders around - can you believe it's been eleven weeks! They have achieved quite a lot:

but there is still a lot more to do. (Tom called one to express his concern over the length of time everything was taking and it seems that the job has been going on for that long but all told they've only really done five weeks of work due to the weather etc). The porch is looking nice from the outside though but the inside will be revealing itself slowly over the coming week - I hope. This is what it looks like at the moment:

and the garden in case you were wondering:

and the other side:

So what with builders, the time of year AND time of the month which seems to be affecting me more of late (must be my age) I'm not surprised I've been feeling as I have. You've all been marvelously supportive though and I really do appreciate it. It was great reading all your comments and suggestions and many I have taken on board. I also got a lovely cross stitched card from Simone and a gorgeous package from Val, and lovely parcels from Sarah and Wylie too - you're all such nice friends.

So, what have we been up to in the last week? Well, Friday was Michaelmas and celebrated at school with assembly and kite flying on the common. As luck would have it Tom was in London so the morning saw me shopping for food for the weekend, madly looking for a kite and packing a picnic. Not a great way to start the weekend. Luckily, I had found a recipe for Moroccan Baked Potato Skins on Marie's blog so I made those instead of sandwiches but I left the cake on the kitchen table! By the way Sarah has written a really interesting piece about this festival so do go and have a look - it's here and here is a pic of the nature table at the moment (finally got around to doing it):

On Sunday morning I went into rant mode for some reason after discovering that my children didn't know the hymn 'To Plough the Fields and Scatter'. I asked them if they had sung it on Friday (it is harvest time as well as Michaelmas). Never heard of it they said. What? You don't know this beautiful hymn? So I printed it off the computer as I can only ever remember the first verse of most hymns and sang it to them over breakfast and then at lunch and finally, to shut me up I suppose Rohan joined in as he'd memorised the words by then. What a bore I am. Do you think my children are very confused? On the one hand I've been brought up in a VERY traditional Indian way and then I love hymns and carols. I have no family tradition of singing them and of course we didn't go to church either (my parents are Sikhs if you remember) but I always loved singing hymns in assembly. Rohan said he could imagine me singing earnestly with two black, shiny plaits dangling on either side of my head. Yep, that was me. There was a piece in the Telegraph about hymns coincidentally. I can't find the actual article that I read but a search led me to this, this, this and this. Do you like singing hymns? Do you have a favourite? I have many but I think 'When A Knight Won His Spurs' has to be up there for me. Oh my gosh I just googled the title and it led me to this YouTube video and goose pimples when I listened to it.

OK, now that you're in a nice relaxed, contemplative mood let me shatter it by showing you my latest purchase and showing you some different YouTube clips. I bought an i-pod off eBay:

and last night I sewed up this little case for it (hardly taxing) - it's made from (Dylon) dyed blanket:

and then quite a few hours choosing music to put on it. I had such fun. I copied some stuff off Cd's we already had and then I downloaded a bit more off i-tunes. Just to make sure I really wanted to pay 79 pence for any song I checked it out on YouTube first. So I looked up things like Happy Hour by the Housemartins, Something About You by Level 42, Buffalo Stance by Neneh Cherry, They Don't Know About Love by Tracey Ullman - do click on that link - great song and great video, Heart of Gold by Neal Young and so many more that I didn't buy (yet). Like Squeeze, Belinda Carlisle, Haircut 100 (remember them?), Tears for Fears, Bananarama, Kirsty MaColl, Simple Minds, the Mammas and Pappas - the list goes on. Can't you tell that I was in my teens in the late 70's/early 80's?

Well, the ipod was a great purchase as it made me walk yesterday morning and I downloaded a couple of podcasts to listen to on this morning's walk too. So at least it'll get me taking exercise. By the way if you have any podcasts that you recommend I'd love to hear about them?

So now you can see what a zany woman I am - singing hymns one minute, having a crisis another and listening to Neneh Cherry the next minute. As one lady said in my comments ' so glad to see you're normal just like the rest of us' - did you ever think I wasn't?