My Dad's Story

I've just come back from my parent's and I think I have to off load a bit - well quite a bit actually because they drove me mad. Or rather my Mum did but they both did too because of their situation. My Dad just sat there being nearly eighty nine and dozed a lot. But no matter - I'm pissed off with both of them.

Where the heck shall I start and anyway do any of you want to hear it (after all this is supposed to be a craft blog)? I do have my sisters to talk to but I find that because we're all pissed off we keep each other in the same place so I need neutrality. Before I tell you what's up though you need to know something about the mater and pater. I did write my Mum's story here back in March last year so here's Dad's now (he's on the left in the next pic):

My Dad was born in 1919 in India, the eldest of eight or nine and they were self sufficient, peasant farmers who had no education for want of a better description! In 1929 his father mortgaged their land to buy a ticket to sail to America to try his fortune. Sounds like he was a bit of a simple man and when he eventually got to Calcutta he saw the sea and took fright and promptly headed home again. All very amusing until you consider that my father being the eldest son then spent most of his life trying to buy back the land so that the family wouldn't starve.

There are stories of Dad being a bandit in rural India, of stealing, of working his socks off, of landing in jail for six months. Dad's too old to ask about all this now but this is what I gleaned growing up. Mum says he was a selfish git who never should have married but he had an arranged marriage in 1952 - meeting my Mum for the first time on their wedding day. I think he used to drink and beat her and luckily for her he came to England in 1955 to earn some money.

Once here he made his way to the Midlands and for five years he lived in a room above a cafe. He used to tell stories about how there six beds and twelve men and they would rotate with the men on night shifts. It was very hard. He doesn't moan about the English but he says they weren't tolerated. Of his meagre wages he'd send most back to India to support the wider family and for the dreaded mortgage.

In 1960 my Mum came over with my older brother and over the next ten years another four children were added to the brood. My Dad had a very basic education in India and to this day he still can't speak English. He had very menial and physical jobs here and always worked with other Indians so never did manage to learn the language which always frustrated him. For twenty odd years he worked in an iron foundary shovelling tons of sand day in day out. So I can see why he was always angry and frustrated. He retired due to ill health (unsurprisingly) in the late seventies and from then on he refused to lift one finger as he felt he'd done his lot. So my Mum took cleaning jobs to make ends meet and always resented it.

None of us had a relationship with Dad. We were too scared of him. He was very strict, drank a lot at weekends, shouted even more. He and my Mum seemed to tolerate each other and sometimes we felt that they could neither live with each other nor without each other.

For about the last fifteen years he has mellowed and I have had lovely conversations with him in my limited Punjabi. Our children love him despite the fact that he can't say anything to them in English. He in turn loves them and Tom and four years ago we went to India with both of them which was very healing for me.

These days I do really sympathise with both of their plights. My poor father has had such a hard life of drudgery (there must be so many regrets there). He's worked his socks off for both families - his own and his paternal one and on top of that he's been stabbed in the back by his siblings when it's come to inheriting that very land that he bought back (sounds like great stuff for a film doesn't it). Like my Mum he's been through so much and I really do admire him in many ways.

Gosh I should stop now. I'm sorry I've gone on for soooooooo long but it's been very cathartic. Sadly, the floodgates opened as soon as I started typing! Next time I'm going to tell you a little bit about our upbringing which will explain why I/we feel as we do today ............ bear with me?

PS I have actually deleted bits here and there so forgive me if the sentences don't flow.

Comments

[Amanda]

What an interesting story your father has. My father was born the same year as yours. Interestingly, it was in the past 5-10 years that our relationship changed, like yours with your dad. Mine was always hands-off, and he worked nights so my brother and I barely saw him. But suddenly, he was the one who called us to see how we were doing.

I always wondered about his earlier life, it seems that times were so much harder back then, or at least they could be, depending on your socio-economic status.

I'm sorry to hear you had a frustrating visit with your parents. I'm sure you know that lots of people (including me!) have a similar problem with their parents. I don't know that it helps any though...

[bex]

This is very interesting Simmy.
The past is who we are & it's very timely that all this emotion is coming up now in such a time of change for you...Xxx

[Stacy]

That was beautifully written and now I'm completely captivated. I'm feeling a bit like a voyeur though since I just happened onto your blog.

[Marie]

Simmy I love reading this story about your dad. I have always felt (after reading your mum's story last year) that you should write a book about your beginnings. It would be inspiring and wonderful and so very interesting. I thought your workds flowed perfectly. It is frustrating at times dealing with our parents and all of their baggage. Everyone does carry some. I used to really resent my mom and my dad for what I perceived as their shortcomings in bringing us up. Then in the late 1980's my then father in law passed away. Not a tear was shed. It was then that I realized that for whatever reason the parents I had were the parents I had and that they did the very best that they knew how to do according to their own experience in life and then I learned to love them and to accept them just as they were, instead of always thinking and wishing what if.... I love them both dearly and value the part of them that is in me. XXOO Can't wait to read the rest!
Marie
http://journals.aol.co.uk/mariealicejoan/MariesMuses/

[Britt]

Simmy,
So many blog postings (including my own) are about all about presenting the most perfect parts of ourselves. Sometimes it is hard not to feel inadequate when reading them. But, when reading yours, I always feel as though you present the warts and all. Reading about your family is fascinating and comforting. Thank you for using your blog for catharsis!

[ramona]

i really like to read your stories and it's amazing how you work it all up to start healing.

[Rada]

I am fascinated. I wish I could sit with you and let you vent. I too,think you should write a book some day . People tell me the same thing all the time. I often think about writing one, but I believe it might just drain me. Maybe the blog is the best way to go for you right now. You can take a shot at book writing AFTER you get moved and settled.
It is also hard to visit you parents when they are at this age. You know their lives are short you and think about what they have been through and it can get a bit depressing. You shared a big part of that life with them and it reflects on you forever. I am so glad you are you and you have your lovely family. I am so glad you were able to have at least a few good moments with your dad in his mellow stage.

[Carla]

Hi Simmy,
Facinating to hear about your father. Thankyou for sharing, and neat to see the photos also - they bring the story to life. I relate to so many things that you write about. Somehow, reading someone elses musings helps me to understand myself and the lifestyle choices I am making. I look forward to hearing more. I'm glad the bog process was helpful to you. Your audience, it seems, appreciate it also.

[TheAmpuT]

Wonderful post, Simmy. Thanks for sharing.

Somewhere along the line, I made the mistake of telling my folks I have my blog. Every time I write about certain parts of my growing up, I get a phone call the next day. I'm so glad for you (and us) that your blog can be part of your process.

[Joss]

How brave of you to write it all down to share. I had a VERY frustrating relationship with my mum, bourne from her difficult upbringing and the fact my dad left her a young widow. Lately though, as I deal best I can with my own children, I realise that nothing she did or didn't do was with malice, just that she struggled too. Perhaps that what we all do - just our best.

[dottycookie]

I wish I could make you a big cup of tea and let you sit here and vent. You're going through so much upheaval at the moment, it must be impossible to stay calm and objective - so I hope it helps to write it down and know we are here to listen.

Your parents' stories are amazing - they have seen such enormous changes in their lifetimes. I am glad they have a good relationship with your children now; it will be wonderful for them to know the stories as they get older.

[Natalie]

Simmy

Our relationships with are parents are so very complex. Particularly, when in our childhoods are parents were so very much taken up with the tough business of living and for some, making a living and getting by takes everything they have. His story is fascinating and sad and he lived through a remarkable period of history. I can understand why you're proud of him and why you're pissed off with him, and I hope this catharsis has helped you. When I hear some of the stories in my family I'm amazed and confounded. I bet he's really proud of you.

Love and peace

Natalie

[Julia]

Simmy,
Parents are so complicated, aren't they? And the way family history shapes us in ways we can't even imagine as it's happening--that just fascinates me. But it IS all so messy...It's not particularly fascinating when you're in the middle of it. I did so enjoy reading this post, though I'm always a fan of your blog, truth to tell.

As others have said, there is quite a bit of tumult in your life right now. I wish you all the best. (And hope we get to hear soon about the pissed off part...)

Best,
Julia

[Lucia]

Hi, Simmy.

Interesting to hear a bit of the story of your father. I have similar feelings towards my own father who was born 34 years later than your father. Nowadays I do realize my parents are growing old, and I want to know more about them as I did not have the chance when I was little and grew up with my aunt, but my parents and I are now living in three different continents...

hug
lucia

[sistermama]

Hi Simmy,

I really enjoyed reading your mother's story, and now your father's as well. You are able to write critically about such difficult things while still obviously loving them and holding onto their dignity.

I lived in Bangladesh for 5 years as a child and have traveled all over India. I often wonder how people who move from India to western countries are able to bear leaving such vibrant social communities (even though they obviously have their own downfalls, economic issues, etc). I think there must be lots of loneliness, and it must be shocking to all of a sudden be so completely and utterly on your own. A friend of mine left India and came here for an arranged marriage and was overwhelmed by how much time people here spend alone.

I heard someone recently say that in our relationships with our parents we should always be mindful that we are giving our children a road map of how to treat us one day. It seems to me you are giving a good road map - even when they drive you crazy!

Blessings,
Sarah