Self confidence - what self confidence?!

Woah - I haven't posted for over a week now. I had meant to write on Monday after the children went back to school but I had a bit of a ........hmm what shall we call it now?  A bit of a major upset at school (great timing on your first day back!). The details don't really matter - suffice to say that I was criticised by a parent for the way I ran my lesson - and I took it badly. My, did I take it badly! I was so upset and I discovered that my self confidence is just barely held together with the finest of threads. I was upset for most of this week and spent ages going over everything in my head. I didn't do much else - I just wallowed. I didn't agree with everything that was said to me but I realised that there were some things that could be improved. More than anything though I was shocked at how much it knocked me. I started to wonder if I was desperately self absorbed or very vulnerable.

In the end I decided that I could either learn from the experience or just keep being a victim and I finally felt able to move on yesterday. That's why I just couldn't post anything till now. I couldn't pretend everything was hunky dory and I didn't want to go on and on about it here. Gosh there was a time (pre-children) when I could take these things in my stride - what the heck's become of me? Was I harder then?

Anyway, as I said it's time to move on and to tell you what we've been up to instead.

Look what I knit yesterday - a girl bear:

I don't know if I mentioned it before but Wylie gave Amber a book called 'Knitting for Peace' this summer. Well, Amber was very taken by some of the projects in this book and particularly the Mother Bear Project. She decided to get some girls together to knit a few bears at school. Well, inspired by her, the other hand work teacher and I decided that we'd get a couple of our classes to knit bears too and we decided to have a cake sale today to raise some money for the wool. Here's a copy of the letter that Amber wrote to the everyone in the school:

Dear Parents,

During the holiday I was given a book called 'Knitting for Peace - Make the World a Better Place, One Stitch At a Time'. It has stories about people that knit things like hats for premature babies; shawls for cancer patients; jumpers for orphans; blankets for the old and infirm and teddy bears for orphans in Africa.

Everything in this book really touched me but especially the teddy bears. Some of these traumatised children are so poor that they use broken glass bottles as dolls so these bears really mean a lot to them. One of the stories in the book was about a small girl in Zambia who was ostracized at school for having AIDS. She told her teacher that her teddy bear was the only thing in the world that loved her. It was buried with her when she died.

And so when I read this I wanted to do something about it and to get some other people involved. My Mum and I talked about it and she and ( ) decided that it could be a handwork project for classes 4 - 7 this term. It would be great if we could send off at least 50 bears.

But before we start we need to raise money for the wool, stuffing and postage that is needed so we thought we could do that by having a cake sale on Friday.............etc etc.

Amber, Class 8

Isn't it lovely? A number of parents came up to her today and said they'd been really touched by her letter. Agggh, I'm so proud of her.

Well, we've had the cake sale and we raised £110. We're going to get our wool from Get Knitted who are offering us a good discount and I'm hoping to get started in a week or so. Do click on that link above for the Mother Bear Project to see what it's all about. I take my hat off to this lady and infact to all the ladies in the book (Knitting for Peace) who do such amazing things for others. Infact, my own friend Wylie knits shawls, together with some ladies from her church, which is part of a project mentioned in the book. It's called the Shawl Ministry and you can click on the link to find out more. Thanks Wylie for inspiring us so much AND for starting something just by leaving that book by Amber's bedside when we came to stay.

So, first week at school has gone by. The children, well Amber especially has loads of homework now but I did get them to quickly make these the other day for our young friend who is going off to Uni next week. They're all made from dyed blanket. The bright pink is Dylon and the other two are plant dyed:

The builders are still here and the porch has definitely come on:

we weren't happy with the levels in the garden and made a drastic decision to cut down a tree as it was in the way basically. It's made quite a difference to the view now and you can see that house more clearly.

but it does mean that the lower level can be wider which is good and we'll plant another Rowan tree on the edge of the orchard to replace this one.

Other than that my parents are off to India on Thursday so we're popping there tomorrow to say bye but that's after we've been to the open day at the Black Country Museum.

I should just say sorry to my dear friends who've all be waiting for replies from me - Jodi, Wylie, Kristin, Sarah, Val, Tracy. Sorry ladies. I'm back on form now and promise to write in the next day or so.

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PS I'm not fishing for sympathy or asking you to side with me this was more off a - 'look what fourteen years at home has done for my self confidence' post. If you do leave a comment please refer to that point. This post may well be read by people in my school community and I do not want to start anything!

Comments

[simone]

I've been at home for 9 years now and my confidence and self esteem is rock bottom. I feel that what I do is worthless and I take any criticism to heart. I feel that I am always having to prove myself and I never live up to my own expectations! Amber's letter really tugged at the heart strings. She is a credit to you. Welcome back Simmy. I have missed our 'chats' over the summer.

[Georgia]

My self confidence has never really been that great to start with, and I can totally understand your reaction. It's partly why I haven't really tried very hard to sell any of my work...in the back of my mind I have a feeling that I'm actually crap and no one will be interested and if that happened it would devestate me.

I love what Amber has done. We thought she was pretty special when we met her. I love that you are doing this and it made me think about the possibility of doing something like that here. I have seen those bears before-I just don't know if I would find and outlet for it.
Anyway, good to have you back. Missed your posts.

[Georgia]

Oh, Post script. LOVED those dogs. Pattern anywhere...???

[Jo]

Hey Simmy, it's only natural to feel low when you or your work is criticised, and it can take a while to get to a state where you can properly reflect on whether it's justified or not, and whether you can use it to improve. Being criticised really knocks me back too but remember that the only way to never make a mistake is to not do anything - how dull does that sound?!
It's plain to me from your blog that you're a wonderful person, a loving wife and mother, a great sister and daughter, a creative powerhouse, and all in all a jolly good egg - so chin up chuck, onwards and upwards!
Cheerio Jo :-)

[Kirsten]

One of the lovliest things I learned in teacher training this summer came from a longtime Waldorf teacher. He said there are two kinds of people: those who want to learn and those who want to look good. I really took that to heart, because often while learning we're going to look bad and others are going to criticise us. Of course that is painful for us, but I guess if we can learn something from it, it will have been worth it!
I hope next week will be better for you.

[Ali]

Oh Simmy - I find my self-confidence is inexorably linked to my hormones. Hope you were just having one of those weeks and you've bounced back to your usual self.

I left you a little tag to get you back to posting - I've missed you.

[Caroline]

You must be so proud of Amber. I always feel like I must have done something right when my children do something selfless for others. I love your bear too. Of course, I'm a sucker for anything in pink.

[Rada]

I think you rock! You have all the makings of being a good teacher because you care. It is obvious you care or you wouldn't be so bothered by the comments. You bolstered my self confidence just in a short while. I had given up on any crafting, and you encouraged me. You don't even know me, but still gave me time.
I am proud of Amber and her classmates. I never knew how much Teddy Bears meant to children until recently when some neighbors lost their house to a fire. One of their little girls has had trouble sleeping without her bear. (They all got out with just the clothes on their backs and nothing more). The little girl made a poster asking for help to find a bear like the one she lost. It said," Teddy -1) It raddles 2) It's a gund 3) It's just a baby 4) It has a little tale 5) It's white with a pink nose." She included a hand drawn picture of it. Soooo sweet. She has health problems and was in the hospital last week without her bear. We have people at the Gund Factory and on E-Bay looking for this bear. A teddy bear comforts in a way no other toy can. Bravo to children willing to take time to hand knit those cute bears for others to enjoy.
The porch looks great. Your all going to have a lovely time in the garden when it is done.

[Kylie]

Sometimes all we need is a little time to digest things and see them without so much of the raw emotion that hurts. Hope you are feeling better about things soon.

[French Knots]

I have only been at home for a year but am already a different person to the confident manager I used to be when working. But I think the fact that we are affected by other people's comment is positive, it shows that you care. And have raised your children to care too, what a wonderful idea from Amber.

[dottycookie]

Hugs, Simmy - you know what my confidence is like too ;-) Glossing over that, you must be so proud of Amber - what a wonderful thought of hers, and well done on the fundraising!

The view from your house is stunning. Living in the flatlands I can only look on with envy!

[Tracy]

BIG HUGS to you Simmy...What a week! Sometimes our spirits, our self-esteem does get dented. I think you've done well in just giving it time after what happened to think things over, and ultimately use the experience to see things differently. We get hurt sometimes, it happens, saldly. But eventually we do patch ourselves back together again. Something to remember though, even in the depths of a self-esteem crisis is that we do have much to offer the world, that we are here for a reason. It sounds like you're turning the corner with all that happened. Hope you keep feeling better :o) Ambers letter is lovely--what a terrific young woman she is! Those felt dogs are sooo sweet! I received something similar as a gift-too cute! Lots shaping up around there--the porch look great! Happy weekend to you all! ((HUGS))

[Sarah]

Your self-esteem should be flying high with Amber. I have been trying to get our school handwork teacher to do a similar outreach project either during handwork or after school. I wish I had the time to start it myself. Maybe it takes a student to provide the spark. Amber--your letter is lovely and good for you for taking the initiative to do some good!

[jo]

My self confidence has always been a bit shaky and now I always feel like a bit of a let down as mum, because I'm selfish, self absorbed and I want to get on with fibery stuf I enjoy, not entertain a 3 year old, but look at you working and bringing up a family, and finding time for crafts, what you do is fantastic, accept constructive critism by all means, toughen up if you have to, but you've picked yourself back up through it! xxx

[Sue]

I have been at home for 6 years now. I know how you feel, but dont let one person's comments deflate your confidence. I worked when my son was a young baby for 6 years and used to feel like I never gave him enough time. You can never win or feel as though you are doing the right thing, it just has to matter in your heart that you know you are doing the right thing. Dont let other people criticize, they probably are just trying to make themselves feel better. Your daughter's letter warmed my heart. I think it is a wonderful idea and great for the children too to know that they are helping someone else in the world. I do hope that they can make more than 50 bears, and I am sure that other children will love to contribute too. The scotty dogs are adorable and your children are so talented just like you. Your house is just so beautiful too. Glad that your posting again.

[Mae]

I always try (and not always successfully!) to empathize with a person who says hurtful, uncaring or thoughtless words. I wonder what might be happening in their life to make them treat others unkindly.
And, let's not forget hormones! My goodness, they can send an other wise strong woman to her sobbing knees!
I love the scotties - the colour is gorgeous!
Good for Amber and good for you Simmy. You are leaving a positive mark in this world ...

[Marie]

I am most impressed with Amber and her compassion! You can sure tell the acorn has not fallen far from the tree there as you are also a woman of great love and compassion. It is very evident in every post you make. I was a SAHM for 22 years up until I got divorced and I had no confidence at all when I finally had to venture out into the big wide world on my own. Time willhelp you to get over it. We all think you're great Simmy! You're a fab mother, a wonderful wife, a special friend and just an all round beautiful woman. THings wil improve, I am sure! I wouldn't take it too personally.

[gina]

I can empathise totally with how you felt when your self confidence took a knock. I've had a similar experience this week (details not important) but it really does take the wind out of your sails. You must be very proud of Amber - she must be lovely (but you know that!)

[Cathy]

So sorry you had a bit of a knock. I hope you are bouncing back now. What a fantastic letter from Amber, and a great idea. Your self-confidence must have had a boost from that, surely - it shows what great values you are passing on.

[Rebecca]

Sorry to hear about your knock, when the bulk of our work takes place at home we tend not to receive a great deal of feedback or recognition for what we do so anything outside of the home is very important and it is easy for your confidence to take a knock and as someone else said, hormones can make things a whole lot worse sometimes. Amber's letter is so beautiful, you must be very proud of her, what a lovely project to be spearheading.

[Lesley]

Not the best way to start your school year - I've been there too lately but in different circumstances. Believe in yourself and trust your instincts. It is so hard when we slog our guts out and do everything with the best of intentions only to be called into question.
You must be so proud of your girl. What a brilliant letter and well done on the cake sale.

[Joss]

It's always hard to be criticised, but you went away and reflected, rather than just accepting or rejecting it. That's a great quality in itself. As you know, some things are really important and you have great proof of that close by!! Keep it going!!

[dottyspots]

Hugs on the confidence-front, sometimes you just don't see the thing that knocks you over coming!

I kept meaning to say that I set up a 'sister' group to Waldorf Craft at Sarah's suggestion (admin on Waldorf Craft) for the UK a while ago. It's been really quiet until the past few days and one of the questions made me think of you so I signposted them this way - but would you like me to send you an invite for the group itself? (not that you don't have enough on ;0)

I've been experimenting further with dollshouse dolls and am planning to use some of your fab Wensleydale curls for the next ones I make.

Unfortunately I've been without a camera for a while, so haven't been able to post any photos on my blog of the 'prototypes' :0(

[Abby]

I'll talk about something else. I spent the month of July in India if your parents have any questions. I would suggest that they bring two passport size photo and then they can get an airtel sim card for their cell phone. It is the cheapest way to call home.

[ruth]

I understand the lack of self confience, having just gone back to work part time after being at home 11 years. I don't seem to have very much! You have an amazing daughter, good luck with all the knitting.

[julia]

Hi, just found you through domesticali. Don't let the comments get to you, hard I know. You've done the hardest job for years, it's just that we get no recognition for it. You will reao the rewards in years to come!

By the way I love the photos of corners of your home, at last a REAL house - fantastic!

Julia x