My Mother's Story...................

I was going to give you my Mum's curry recipe in this post but I decided that I ought really to tell you a little bit about her first. You know - to set the scene and make it more authentic like...............

This is the earliest pic we have of my Mum. It was taken around 1960 when she was about 30 (?) and she had to go and have a passport made because she was going to join her husband (my Dad) in England. (Sorry it's so fuzzy but it was scanned and sent to me by my brother in Canada).

My Mum was born around 1929 in Multan which is now in Pakistan. At that time it was in India because the country wasn't divided until 1948. That generation have no idea of their birth dates because they had no birth certificate and when it came to having passports made they just gave an approximate date, month and year! Mum was the fifth of eight children - five girls and three boys.

She recounts a very tough life growing up in a village in India in the 30's and 40's. The family weren't poor and they were self sufficient in most things. A bit like Laura Ingalls - there wasn't much store bought. She was telling me how they would rise when the cock crowed. First they'd milk the cow or buffalo and then they'd grind flour in order to make the breakfast chapattis. Yogurt and butter had to made too. Crops had to be harvested to provide meals and it seems that they grew lots of pulses as well as vegetables. The cotton had to be picked and the whole process gone through - I don't understand half the Indian words related to this activity and I must look up how it's done to understand better. They also made gram flour from chick peas too and this is how they ground their wheat:

They harvested their own sugar cane. Mum says they would take the juice out of the cane and light a fire under the huge vat until the water evaporated. This left a hard substance they call ghurr. Again I need to look up this process too but it sounds like another huge job to me. It was relentless. Mum says they were on the go all day. On top of this they would embroider things for their bottom drawer, weave cotton dhurries for the house, knit and sew their own everyday clothes too. The men worked on the land all day and the women would go and give them their lunch each day.

Partition hit them badly, very badly. My grandfather ignored warnings that India was going to be divided and that Indians should pack up and leave and get back to India. Mum says she distinctly remembers the day soldiers turned up at their door and told them to leave their house. They could take nothing with them - not a thing. They lived in a refugee camp for a month and the terror of that time is difficult to imagine. Everyone was against everyone else - Sikhs, Muslims, Hindus. Trains would arrive in India and Pakistan and everyone on them had been butchered. There were revenge attacks. I guess my mother's family were lucky really in that they got out alive and came back to their paternal village in India.

Three years later she had an arranged marriage and customary to that time she met my Dad on their wedding day. They had a daughter and then in 1955 my Dad left for England  to make some money to send home to his dependents (not just his wife but his extended family too). My brother was born in his absence and then in 1960 she was summoned to join my father - for some crazy reason he only sent a ticket for his wife and son and my sister was left behind with grandparents until 1966. England was a huge shock. She arrived on a dull grey November day and as she says her life of drudgery started soon after. My Dad had bought a three bedroomed house in the Midlands and in those days whenever anyone from the village arrived in your town you put them up until they had a job and enough money to move on. So in the early 60's there were at one time three families and two bachelors living in our house!

My Mum also had three children in quick succession. She tells how she'd wake up first and clear and light fires in each room. She'd cook and clean for her family and the other men. The endless washing, three babies, a man she had nothing in common with and who was prone to drink and shout and the heartache of leaving her daughter behind. At least in India she had had the extended family - here it was just her. I look back now and realise that she had some form of depression for most of my childhood she'd often threaten to stick her head in the oven.

I've gone through some awful times with my Mum (haven't we all). I've hated her for being so strict with me as a teenager. I've been embarrassed by her Indianness. I've blamed my post natal depression on the lack of a close relationship with her. But as she nears the end of her life (she's an elderly, unhealthy 78 year old) and she gives me the silent treatment on the phone cos I haven't phoned for a week I try to remind myself of what an amazing woman she is. She upped sticks and came from the middle of nowhere to a big English city. She raised six children with no help from my father (who was busy earning a pittance to keep us all). She's completey illiterate - can't even read and write her own language let alone English - yet she carved out a life here and even managed to learn to speak English (which is more than my father ever did). She's the best cook in the world and her handwork skills are amazing. She has knitting patterns in her head I tell you. She used to borrow peoples jumpers when she worked and bring them home and memorise the patterns. She made all our clothes when we were young and fed us the most delicious food. I haven't picked up the cooking and knitting skills from her but I have inherited her friendliness. She would chat to everyone in pigeon English -  even the grocer and the milkman and everyone was invited round to sample her cooking.  Our house was always full of people and she was the life and soul of the party. She's old, tired and fed up now and I want to try and remember and see, the real woman inside.

Comments

[little jenny wren]

I can't even imagine how your mum must have felt so far from home, family and familiar things.The fact that you have grown to be a caring , compassionate woman who dedicates herself to her family is a testament of triumph to her struggles.

[sue]

Oh, Simmy~ What an amazing story, what an incredible life.
Yes, mothers are never easy (are we) but you are so wise to see past her silent treatments, to treasure her as she is and to honor her by recounting her story. Life is beautiful.

[Rowan]

Simmy, I found this a fascinating story to read, your mum has had a very difficult life. She may be illiterate but she has other wonderful skills that more than compensate for this. She certainly has earned your love and admiration I think - and she was a lovely young woman. All young Indian women seem to be beautiful - maybe it's partly the saris they wear - they are such graceful,flattering garments.

[Simone]

What an interesting insight into your mum's life. I bet she is as proud of you as your are of her. She probably knows that her daughter Simmy has grown to be a caring, compassionate, hard working, and articulate individual. I bet you get your creativity from your mum. I look forward to finding out her curry recipe in your next installment!

[Lisa]

Hi, I must say that I really like your blog, I´ve been reeding it for a while, but this is the first time I write a comment. It was very interesting to read about yor mum, I can´t imagine how it was for her.

[carol]

What an interesting story--thank you for sharing it. I'm so grateful things have changed (for the most part) for women--in so many places and times we've been treated as second class citizens. Isn't that dumb? we're all just humans! I'm sorry your mum had to endure such hard times...but how strong she is and you, too!

[Marie]

Simmy, this is an utterly fascinating story. I think your mother was a very brave woman and full of courage and strength. What an interesting and colourful heritage. Thanks so much for sharing this little piece of your history with us. Can't wait for the curry recipe! I think you should write a book about your mother's story. It would be a best seller for sure. I can see it being made into a film.

[~~Melissa]

It's a compelling story to read. Truly bittersweet. That's a hard life and I hope some sweetness slips in for your mom between the cracks in these later days.

[ramona]

It is so touching to read, Simmy. And so vivid. Thank you for sharing. May God bless her.

[susan barker]

Though my mother is not Indian she is Canadian Aboriginal (North American Indian) and her life reads not so different than your mother's, though mind did not have to immigrate to another country. It has taken we daughters along time (in my 40's) to really listen to the lives of our mothers and maybe realize why they seemed so hard on us when we were teenagers -- I just keep in mind that my mother never really got experience the freedome that children from the 1950's and on were able to, she was one of ten children of a traditional trapper and his indian wife, they lived off the land and it was all work, work, work...

[Jo]

What a facinating life, I can't imagine leaving everyone and everything behind to go to a different country. It must have been difficult marrying two cultures as you grew up.

[Wylie Hunt]

Simmy,
This was so poignant to read. Thank you so much for sharing the story of your mother, such an incredible woman, so brave. I love seeing pictures of my mother (who is now elderly) when she was young, and I, too, need to remember and see that young woman in her today.

[Regina]

What a wonderful tribute to your mother ! It made me think of my mother - she lived through two world wars in Germany and had a baby ( me) during the last one. Despite incredible hardships, she was optimistic, tough and ,yes, full of fun. She taught me that it is important to recognize and experience the joy of little things which every day brings us - no matter how awful or depressing the times are.Let's all be thankful for our wonderful mothers and the lessons they have taught us, like yours and mine did, by their example.

[caroline]

thank you, thank you so much for sharing your mother's story. I have so many things to say - I keep deleting lines because I realise it is going to be way too long and involved for a comments box.

[Britt]

Simmy,
Thank you for sharing your Mum's story. I really enjoy your blog and it is for these kinds of sharings that you do. Now...where is that curry recipe? You have set the scene so well that I am really eager to try it. :)

[brooke]

This is a wonderful story and thank you for sharing it. Everyone has a story to tell of their journey of life; their ups and downs, and stuggles and joys. It never stops to amaze me how we can learn and respect those who have come before us.We must remember that everyone has a story to tell and what we can learn from it to enrich our lives.

[Georgia]

Thanks for sharing that Simmy. I often look at families going through huge struggle and upheaval and wonder how they survive. Particularly the women. Isn't it remarkable that even one generation from us can be so different? I think it's so important to try and carry some kind of legacy from our mothers and grandmothers, something that makes all their toil worthwhile and remembered.

[Ash]

Simmy, that's a wonderful story.

Your mother was beautiful - such strong features. You can see that she was a very determined young woman.

I agree that it's only as we approach the middle of our own lives that we can begin to understand how difficult things may have been for our mothers.

[suse]

Thanks for that story. Your mum is an amazing woman, as you say.

And she has the most incredible Don't Mess With Me eyebrows.

[Angela]

Honey what a life you mom has lived. The strength she has shown by NOT popping her head in the oven shows her true fibre core. And that is what you have also inherited I am sure. And that is a wonderful legacy.

[Tami]

Wow, that's an amazing story of your mother! I can't imagine how she was able to get past everyday with all those responsibilities that were expected of her. It just goes to show her strength of character -- a lesser woman would not have been able to survive intact. And obviously you've inherited her good qualities.

But then again, it looks like you're a great mom to your brood too! Just think of the stories they'll tell of you in years to come. I'm sure they'll remember your crafting and cooking with fondness too. :-)

[Donna]

What a wonderful story of your mother, I cannot even imagine such a life. Thank you for sharing it with us.

[Mary Ann/ca]

Simmy, thank you so much for sharing. My daughter just became engaged to Suranju Kundu, known in the states as Sean. Sean's parents, have been here since the mid 70's but their extended family is still in India. I don't think their story is much like your parents but what a powerful story! Its a vivid reminder of how things are so different in many other countries and places than our middle class lives. Oh, and her new MIL has taught her to make curry already so it'll be fun to see how they match up!

[Kristy]

Very moving and a lovely tribute.It must have been heartbreaking for her to leave her other daughter behind imagine the longing she must have had for those 6 years.She sounds like a very strong woman who made the best of some tough situations.

[theundergroundbaker]

A rich and poignant post Simmy. I look forward to reading more.

[Mae]

I think its great that you know so many of the stories of your Mom's life. I'm glad that you can appreciate how far she's come and the challenges she's faced. This kind of understanding is well more than half the battle of coming to peace with each other. And in my court? She's brought a great woman in to this world - every mother's wish.

[Bonnie]

This is my first visit and I am in awe of your amazing story.

[Rebecca]

Again Simmy you have touched me with your words! As I sit here trying my hardest no to cry and make my kids think something is wrong, my heart goes out to you and your mom. I have been honestly been luckier than I can explain to be as with my mo who is amazing. We live 2000 miles apart which breaks my heart.
I am amazed at how strong people are and as my non-sequiter writing here borders on unintellible I will say one last thing THANK YOU for being you and sharing with me and everyone else!

[Jodi Renshaw]

What an incredibly gorgeous family. I am so glad you have such a photo :)

Love,
Jodi

[Tinuviel]

Ummm, now I'm crying! What a lovely, sad and yet uplifting story. It makes me so grateful for my ancestors and immigrants everywhere.
Blessings!
P.S. Your mother is SO beautiful, too :)

[shannon]

hmmm. I too have a had a hard time understanding my mom (you just read my Mother post) and exercises like these are really imperative for forgiveness and compassion.
Do you ever wonder how it will be when your children are older? Between you and them, I mean? I do. I am banking on the fact that there is good communication between us now; I am not interested in perpetuating relationships based on unspoken expectations...
but sometimes it happens anyway...

[Helen]

What an amazing story. Thank you for sharing it :)