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Comments

bex

It's wonderful that you are writing about this Simmy.
It doesn't seem disjointed, if anything I can see how by writing you are working through this.
Be gentle with yourself, alot of children don't ever think of their parent's comfort. Alot of children don't even think of their parents...Xxx

TheAmpuT

I think that this is great you are writing about this, but I said that yesterday.

I'm at a totally different end of the spectrum, so I can't say I relate. I am in my early 40's and have parents that are just beginning to need help. They apologize every time they need to ask (or I offer), and I have to be very careful with their feelings as they grapple with their beginning to be able do less, and needing help. I was reading this and trying to put myself in your shoes, and I feel like if it was me, I might have blown my cork (or buggered to Canada!) pretty early in the game.

On the flipside of my own family story? Every week I go to a convalescent hospital and visit people who get no visitors. None. Loneliness and aging are a difficult mix. I have much sadness on a weekly basis, and they aren't even my own family. But I would encourage you to remember that you have not left them alone. It may not be on a timeline that they appreciate right now, but you ARE there. And you have siblings that can share time, too. It sounds to me like you ARE giving of yourself to them, and keeping yourself whole simultaneously. No small matter.

I commend you for finding (and continuing to find) your own path.

tony(a)  lemos

hey simmy,

thanks for sharing your story. it must be pretty cathartic as you are packing up and moving at the same time. our upbringing seems similar as we talked about this summer, just a different culture, greek vs indian. i have recently been struggling with some areas of parenting and have been finding myself mirroring my mother. i realize that i really lack good parenting roll models! crazy.

good luck with your move. we are off soon on our european adventure and I cannot wait. we have had such a snowy/icy winter, lake side days seems many many many moons ago.

hugs to amber and the boys

Mary Ann/ca

Thanks for sharing all this Simmy. My DD married a lovely first generation Indian man in August. He is an only child and his parents have hid any disappointment but she is worried they will always want more time and attention than the kids have to give. The big argument has been about moving in with them, thank goodness Surjansu says NO quicker and louder than my daughter!

Elisa

Thanks for sharing! It's your story and also a universal story. As times change. This is the story my mother's generation was,and sometimes is living. But things have changed in this catholic community also. And we are the lucky ones our parents decided to have a life of their own. I can imagine that it can be hard and sad for you. But there is really not much more that you can do than just love.
xxx Elisa

Julia

Gosh, Simi, there's just so much here. And it's a very heart breaking story in many ways--so much sadness, and so much unintended (and unacknowledged) hurt. I guess the two things that came to mind as I read were: 1)it sounds like your parents have never taken responsibility for their own happiness (to a large degree, mine haven't either) and that's hard. The truth is that there's no way for us to make another person happy, so it's a losing game from the start (but try telling _them_ that, right?) And of course, I gather from your blog that _you_ do take responsibility for your own happiness. 2)It doesn't sound like they've ever acknowledged the help you've given them, and/or that your help carried a significant cost for you. And here, after all of that, they still need more. And though they're in the time of life where you would expect them to need more, you must feel as if you've already done your part. (And, probably, you have.)It's true that you will probably have to rethink them as old people needing old people kinds of help but that doesn't make it any the less infuriating for you.

I don't know if this is of any comfort, but I know that I worry alot about replicating the sins of my parents... reading your blog gives me the distinct impression that you have been a very different kind of parent for your own children, and that you have built very different relationships with them. I think that's an achievement, I really do. It would be easy to continue the cycle of resentment and anger, but you haven't. Hats off to you, and hats off, too, to your courage in writing these posts. That took guts. In fact, living your life in the way you have has probably taken guts. So, to you!

All best,
(hope I haven't been too familiar as a blog reader out there in the ether)
Julia

Julia

Ugh! I misspelled your name. So sorry. I used to work with a "Simi", and I guess it became habit. My apologies, Simmy!!

dottycookie

Simmy, I really admire your courage in writing this, and I hope it's been helpful for you to do so. I think it's normal to feel resentment in your situation - you'd have to be a saint not to! - but honestly, you are doing things for your parents, you are helping them and taking their feelings into account - if you weren't, then you wouldn't be getting angry about this because you'd have lost touch ages ago. Be gentle with yourself.

dottyspots

Thank you for writing this (and the last post) - both were so interesting and must have taken quite some courage to write.

Tinuviel

If we never know anything about each other, the craft part doesn't matter that much. We could be reading a magazine for that matter. It's the stories, happy and sad, that make us and our blogs interesting. It matters to me what kind of upbringing and cultural experience my favourite bloggers grew up with. It's fascinating and makes for a community! Keep sharing with us. Besides, everyone needs a good vent sometimes ;)

Marie

Thanks so much for sharing this with us Simmy. Just as you have come to realize that your parents did the best that they knew how to do for you when you were growing up, you have to accept that you are doing the best that you can do for them. I know that is true. Every word you write speaks of your caring heart to me. We can only do what we can only do and we have to stop beating ourselves up about the rest. You have a lovely family and I can tell that you are a fantastic mother and wife and friend. I think you are a credit to your parents. I love the photo of you as a little girl. I was quite resentful of my parents when I was a girl, and I was angry with them for a long time. Then we lost my father in law and my parent's mortality came home to me and I did some really deep thinking and re-assessing. I came to realize that they did the best they knew how to do according to their experience in life. When we know better we do better. Nobody can fault anyone for doing the best they know how to do. I am sure your parents love you very much or they would have cut you out of their lives when you refused an arranged marriage as I have seen so many other's do. I love reading these things about you and how you came to be the wonderful person that you are. It's all so very interesting to me! (((hugs)))
Marie
http://journals.aol.co.uk/mariealicejoan/MariesMuses/

Lizz

This sharing was amazingly real. Life and all of it's living, we give so much, we have such hopes, we try and we sometimes fail. We are sad and we cannot meet everyone's needs. It's so raw sometmes. You are getting something big in the sharing of your story. I wish for clarity for you. Sounds like you have done so much healing already. Being honest and loving and gentle and patient with ourselves is so very important.

Hugs

Tracy

Not dis-jointed at all--it's straight from the heart! It's lovely you sharing so much as you have beeh. Sharing ourselves, our lives, our stories connects us...We're all in this life together! :o) ((HUGS))

Sarah

It's hard to really put yourself out there, craft blog or not, but I wanted to know that I felt badly for you after reading your story. (And for your parents too actually.) I am sure it must be a very hard struggle to try and adopt a culture that is very different from your birth culture, and even harder to be a child of people who are still trying to hold onto their old ways.

Stacy

Simmy, I'm so glad I found your blog.
xoxo

Rebecca

What a moving and fascinating post Simmy and how beautiful you and your sisters are.

I sympathise with you on parenting your parents. My mother began to give up on life about 15 years ago and has gradually become more and more of a prisoner to a combination of real and imagined illnesses finally getting to the point where she has not left the house in 4 years. It can be so hard and frustrating to deal with our parents in this way but it is important not to let it suck you in, you are doing a great job and your positive attitude to life is a credit to you and your family. Your children are benefiting from your experiences and you are giving them such a wonderful nuturing environmnent. Be proud of yourself and vent whenever you need to, it keeps you sane.

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