Is this a domestic fantasy? Discuss

Whoa there's a big debate going on over at making time about 'craft blogs as a domestic fantasy'. Green kitchen has blogged about it too and I think it might have started with a rant from this blogger. The gist of it is that some people are wondering how the stay-at-home craft bloggers have time for making things, running a home, looking after their children, having a blog and having a relationship with their husband too!  The other debate going on is whether bloggers should reveal more of themselves ie personal stuff? Are they/we just projecting some sort of domestic fantasy?

It's certainly made me think about why I blog and what I decide to say each time. For me having a blog is about being part of a community. It replaces sitting around a table with a group of women and talking and sewing. I've been at home for over twelve years now and a few years ago I discovered that I could sew and knit and make things. So I started. At first I'd make things when the children went to bed even if it meant staying up till midnight. The sense of satisfaction that I got was great.

But I was lonely too. Not all my friends made things and even if they did our time together was limited. Then I discovered a whole crafting community through blogs that was available all day and night. Having a blog has done so much for me. It's a place that I can share ideas, give and receive feedback, be inspired and connect with other women all over the world. It's also something that I do for myself. But having a blog I've noticed, is not like sitting around the kitchen table where you know each other and can share all your intimacies if you want to. It doesn't have that safety net and I'm always conscious of how much I want to reveal about myself and my family to people I don't know. Having said that though I have made friends through the blog and flickr and they have taken place via e-mail and skype where I feel I can be more intimate. The other thing I wonder is, do people really want to know that you've argued with your husband, or that you ate too much chocolate yesterday or that you shouted at the children again?  Maybe they do. I don't know.

So I suppose I just end up showing you one side of me - the crafting side. But some of you might be wondering how I get to do so much. A friend of my sisters' asked her ironically if I was on speed - I love that one (just think what I could acheive if I was!). The answer is that I don't find time for everything and some things just don't happen - I don't watch telly, I hardly go out in the evenings or clean my house much or spend hours cooking anymore. I have just the same amount of time that you have in the day but I chose to use it differently and it's where I am at this point in my life. I need ME time and I need it in this way.

Finally, I'm going to stick my neck out and say that I think a lot of this has to do with the perfect/earth mother syndrome. So many of us feel that we should be the perfect mother whatever that is. Maybe it's someone that cooks, bakes, makes preserves, sews, knits, does things with the children, the list is endless. Sadly, most of us don't think we're IT. But we're scared that other women are because it shows us up, makes us feel inadequate. We don't mean to be jealous but we are and instead of admitting it we criticise and look for ways to attack each other. But ofcourse no-one is the perfect Mum, no-one ever was, we're all the same, we just do things differently and excel at different things and we should accept that and stop comparing ourselves. I've had friends in my house who run public groups, are brillaint musicians, fundraise or whatever but as soon as they see a doll that I made or a homebaked pie they start criticising themselves or worse, me - in the vein of 'do you ever rest, you're always at it'. I suffer from this too. I compare myself and the stuff I've made and how I spend my time.

I think it's time to stop and connect with each other on a soul level......................

Comments

[Dannielle]

interesting...

And I get to add homeschooling to the mix as well. ;-)

But, honestly, I think the reason I am able to take care of the house, give attention to my family, and spend hours a day working on creative projects is that it is ALL that I do.

I don't work outside the home. I don't go shopping daily...or even several times a week. I watch very little television.

And the fact that my work is what I would also choose to do as a means of relaxing is a big bonus. It's what keeps me sane so I can come closer to being the mother/wife I strive to be.

Oh, my children are all past the baby/toddler age, too. There was a big shift that occurred when my youngest was around 4yrs old. He had finally reached a stage where I didn't have to follow him around to make sure he didn't get into anything he shouldn't.

[Dannielle]

came back to say...

that my point in all that is that I'm sure there are plenty of people wondering how I manage to lead such a boring life without losing my mind.

I like a simple, pared down life. But I imagine to many it would appear to lack excitement.

[Erin]

Well said . . . A few thoughts: I agree that we all make different choices as to how we divide our time. Crafting and blogging are just small parts of my life. I enjoy both very much, but I don't think it's any different than someone who has any other hobby. Both are relaxing and fun and only small parts of what makes my life complete. I also watch very limited amounts of television and that, I think, frees up a lot of time in the evening. Daytime and early evenings are devoted to watching my son and taking care of of our home, my husband, etc. I don't attempt to portray some sort of domestic fantasy on my blog, but I certainly strive to keep my posts positive and upbeat.

[Kristy]

I kind of look at blogs as a living magazine.I love the fact that I'm guaranteed some form of inspiration when I click onto a link.I don't mind a bit of ranting infact sometimes it's heartwarming to know that we are not alone.Mostly though I want to see what can be achieved,fresh ideas or old ones well done.I think it's we the readers that put the pressure on ourselves.I know I will never be as good an artist as A, or as prolific as B and I definately don't do as much with my kids as C!But I am none of those people and when it comes down to it I am responsible for my own happiness.I don't have to read any blog that makes me feel uncomfortable.I personally love the 'domestic fantasy blogs' long may they live!!

[Max]

I was just thinking about the whole 'domestic goddess' thing yesterday - spurred on by my hubby buying the NIgella book for me. Its a very interesting topic and I think we probably do create a kind of domestic fantasy world for ourselves, in that on the most part we share the positive and creative sides of our lives. I often wonder how some of the crafters get so much done when I struggle to fit it all in, but we never truly know each others circumstances, for instance how much help everyone gets with childcare - with a 2.5 year old doing things inthe day is impossible and being pregnant I just want to sleep in the evenings! Its the positivity of these blogs that keeps me motivated and if I weren't part of this community I don't think I would get anything done! I thibnk I will have to conitnue this debate on my blog...!

[Joyce]

Hi All,
I am not a blogger, but an avid reader of as many as I can find that reflect my interests. I am constantly amazed at the talent and imagination that comes from all these wonderful women. Not to mention inspired!! I am 65 years old, mother of four sons that I raised alone and now blessed with 10 healthy beautiful grandchildren. I am a little saddened by the jealousy that I have read in the various posts. Maybe it has to do with my age and the fact that my kids are grown and gone, but what I would like to know is what difference does it make how these wonderfully talented people find the time to do what they do? I just want them to keep on doing it so that I can have the pleasure of viewing the results. I am also amazed by what seems to be an overall generous spirit amoung most of the blogs I read. They share patterns and send each other presents without having ever met. I say keep on crating and keep on blogging, I love it!!!

[bethany]

We are all cramming as much into our lives and blogs as suits us.. And this group of internet friends are vastly more interesting than my old TV friends Martha Stewart and Oprah! (My apologies to them, but I believe they will do fine with out my support.)

[madmommy]

I followed your link from Making Time, to agree on the "perfect mother" syndrome and more. I started blogging to help alleviate my depression (ask my hubby; it works) and to connect to the "outside" as a SAHM. But sometimes I think this discussion gets too out of hand...there are no rules, just whatever feels right is how I feel. Thanks for posting on this.

[Siri]

Gee. I had no idea there was a "discussion" currently going on, aside from the ongoing mentions here and there.
I agree that if, when I was pregnant for the first time 7-8 years ago somebody would have told me that a big evening out would be getting to go food-shopping or go to the laundromat all alone without the kids, I'm not sure whether or not I would have laughed or cried. Plenty of people would think my life boring, even with how hectic it really is.
We have many friends that we get together with, none of whom knits as obsessively as I do, and that's where the blogging comes in. Even my closest friends don't know about my blog, but we do get together and moan and groan about the issues of being parents/spouses/etc. I try to spare the blogging world of that side of things most of the time.
Yes, I do devote a lot of time to the blog and if anything, it cuts into my crafting time.Of course, there are days when I feel that I've been neglecting the kids a bit too much and spending too much time in front of a screen, but I do also think that it's O.K. for kids to have free time to themselves to play without adults. This blogging thing is something that I need right now. It's something that is mine alone, but also mine to share with others out there. It is part of what is keeping me sane on a day-to-day basis, just the way crafting and knitting has been for me for years. At the end of the day, there is something to show for my time other than a spotless floor and tidy house that will just get dirty again tomorrow. At the end of the year, there is a place to go to for reminiscing. It's a place to be inspired! It is a place to organize the thoughts that are running around in my head. It's a place for ME to play!
As for the house, when my mom asks my DH how he can live with the constant mess in our house, he responds, "Well, I didn't marry her for her house-keeping skills." AND THANK GOODNESS!
And yes, not watching television certainly frees up time for more blogging/crafting/living.

[Siri]

Oh yes, and being postive in my blog does help me to be more positive in "real life." It keeps me on my toes, looking out for good things to share.

[weirdbunny]

I'm so glad you named these people so \I could see what they wrote. All day people have been talking about this, but I didn't know what was originally said.

My blog started out as a sewing blog, then life got in the way and \I showed some other stuff like the garden. The thing is this is my blog, all the things I love away from the trails of life that we have to live through. Therefore any me time I'm certainly not going to depress myself and write about them for the whole world to see!!

[Lisa]

Maybe some of the popular craft bloggers (as it was stated) can get so much done because they're not sitting around comparing themselves to everyone else and wondering how they get every thing done. They're just doing...living..being...crafting..blogging and inspiring. I am so grateful for the wonderful craft blogging community. I have received so much inspiration from them. As for leaving out the private bits, there is something infectious about reading about the beautiful things in someone's life (flowers, food, crafts, kids..and sometimes men. lol) and being reminded of that beauty in our own lives. I think the big media has focused plenty on the negative side of life..allow the wonderful ladies who share their talent with us to focus on the positive. Keep on crafting ladies and thank you so much for all you share with us. You have made my life so much better and made me appreciate just how good it is.

[victoria]

i'm new to your blog and popped in because i've been dallying about with fiber, dyes and spinning of late. however, once i started reading i just couldn't stop and this particular post really struck a chord with me. i was just penning a post much like this one about my need for "me" time and my reluctance to do housework when typepad (my blog provider) abruptly quit and all was lost! oh well, i wanted to tell you i share your need to connect on a creative level and also (being 42) on a 'selfish' level too! it's nice to know i'm not alone in that....
keep up the good work--love your blog! I'll be back.

[Shay]

Is this a domestic fantasy?

What if it is? Who cares or more to the point, who's business is it, anyhow?

I love blogs like yours and Jane Brockett's and if your lives seem so much more focused and beautiful than most, perhaps they are.

That does not give the rest of us permission to whine and throw rocks.

Every blogger censors her posts, if only out of self-preservation. Some perhaps trim off the uglier bits. Some I think honestly try to see the beauty in the quotidian and ignore the sharper edges.

I wonder how much of this ill-mannered criticism is prompted by a wholly unnecessary sense of inferiority.